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    first draft -


    Invitation To The Dance


    You ask me in.
    I go there
    With tiny quiet feet,
    Ghosts biting my heels,
    Echos sounding faintly
    Off walls
    In the box
    You build. 


    I've come inside.
    You invite me
    To see the edges
    Of your heart, 
    A quick incision
    In the chest wall
    With one hand
    On the knife
    Sufficient,
    As you feed me
    Soft sweet fruit.


    I touch you, 
    Thinking I understand
    The invitation, 
    And see you close,
    A California poppy
    Shutting down at night
    And on cold days 
    When the wind blows
    And is not kind.


    I stand back,
    Wondering
    If my touch,
    So light,
    Smacks you,
    Not knowing
    How my hand
    In its gentle arc 
    Through air
    To your face
    Becomes the wind. 


     


    pearlbamboo


    copyright 2005  e.p.hodges

  • fyi, a recent ebay listing for a 50's Shaheen shirt closed at $818.00, although most of his dresses, even from the 50's, are now facing a very soft market, with only one out of 10 listed in the pst month breaking $100. 


                      Stories from the Therapy Journals


     


    Long ago, it seems long ago, I had a friend we shall call John, who taught exercise classes for the city of Chicago Department on Aging.  There were three of us, not yet ancient enough to come under the department's perview, who went to the classes because they were close by and because the exercise program was well thought out, well taught and free.  Not yet free of living in that one room, I managed to get out once or twice a week for class most weeks, not all. . 


    John was a charmer, had to charm, needed to charm, just how desperately I would not discover for some eight months, although I knew something was not quite right from the beginning.  We were friends, flirting with being more than that, me holding back, sensing something off a bit.  He'd taken a hit somewhere along the way, a bad one, nasty, I could see that, peeking out from behind his physical beauty, went beyond handsome, that. 


    He often walked me from class part way home, then faded into the evening like a ghost gorgeous enough that you would think someone would see him.  One Thursday, we waited for the green light at Sheridan at Devon.  With his smile on, the real one, not the faux charmer smile - we had a knack for getting out of his need to charm into other, less dangerous things - he said, "You look very beautiful this evening."  Never have I felt beautiful, ever, and so I looked at him, unease building, and somehow bit out "Thank You."  Then, panicked as if I'd seen a lion with his mouth open ready to kill, I ran across the road, against the light, and kept on running, four blocks, until I was safe at home, apartment door locked and shut, closed up in the little room.  I kept trembling and wanting to cry, finally crying, for that's what I did then, cry, lots, sometimes it felt like all the time.    


    Two days later I made it out the door and downtown to see Cindy, my therapist.  I told her about this, about running and running, needing closed doors to be safe from "you look beautiful." 


    "It's about damage, you see," she said.  "My measure of the damage a parent does is to look at whether or not the adult child is able to sustain an emotionally intimate relationship.  Your children can, you could not.  That absolves you, by the way, of all the guilt they would like you to wear, your children." 


    "In this story, you tell me that even the 'you look beautiful' alone was enough to trigger flight. In giving you that, John was offering you approval and validation, even if just for a moment.  Accepting that makes you feel so vulnerable that the only way you have to respond is to run away, literally run, feet slapping the pavement run.  To stand and face it and accept the truth of what he said would be to make yourself unbearably vulnerable, and you simply can't do that, the risk now is too high."


    She was right, of course, and it would be several  years before I could look in the mirror or hear a compliment and not flinch or steel myself not to run.  I no longer remember how we got there, didn't write it down, but at the end of the session, I said something about John's at least being able to give a compliment.   "Yes, he can," she replied, " but if you were healthy enough to really connect with him, or him with you, just for one second, the  two of you would back away so fast that you would meet, back to back somewhere in China.  You are both that afraid, that damaged, that a true connection is not possible."   


    Accepting risk, knowing that I wouldn't die from it, that was the subject of a lot of work, some of it explicitly addressing it, some addressing it through the edges, over the next four years.  Once again, Cindy, before she hit her wall, proved to me the value of a therapist over a sympathetic friend.   She saw something no one else had seen or understood, not even me, and guided me through. 


     


    pearlbamboo


    copyright by e.p. hodges

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                                        Oh, This Is Fun!!!

     

    Here's the Saks Fifth Avenue Young Dimensions Shop's Original Haute Hippie Boho Kurta Embroidered Top - 60's essence for those who shopped at Saks -  and a rare find, actually. 

                  

                                

    Pushing the time line back a bit, here's a late 50's dress by Alfred Shaheen, the God of Hawaiian Designers.   His daughter, Camille, has fashioned a wonderful website about her father's work and even appears on the ebay discussion boards now and then to answer questions about Shaheen.    This one is very late 50's, possibly even early, early 60's, as the hemline is not long like that of Dior's New Look, nor does this look like it requires a crinoline, or better still four crinolines, markers of late 50's fashion.  

    This one turned up a few months ago at the same thrift.  It's from his fabric design of plumaria, famous among those who know Shaheen or collect his work, and has a fabulous and unusual neckline - strips of elastic hold the pleat over the bosom in place so that the fabric just seems to hover.   I've not yet gotten quite the perfect picture of this effect, but I've never seen it before and probably won't ever again, Saheen being an innovator in many different ways. 

    The dark brown satin label is the give-away.   That's the one he used in the 50's.  I didn't know this fabric design when I ran across this dress, just picked it off the rack because of the unusual print, even though I personally don't like the combination.  The label was hidden down in a side seam so I didn't understand how well I'd scored until I got it home and turned it wrong side out.  Live and Learn.   

                                 

            

     

    later with the Haute Hippie Lace And Flowers Bridesmaid Dress....

     

    pearlbamboo

    images and text copyright  e.p. hodges

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                                The Dell's Resurrection


    Hauled the Dell to a little computer repair place, where Urdu did better than English (and I enjoyed that).  The fellow plugged it in and up it came, roaring, ready to go, that blue Dell logo just fine and dandy.   We decided that perhaps it had been the power cord or just strange happenings, and I hauled it down his stairs and, Dell tucked securely in my little old lady cart that I also use for groceries, I hailed a taxi and trundled home.  


    It was difficult to be out - the mold count is very very high - I can smell the mold, even inside in partially filtered air - and it's taking double doses of antihistimines plus all the regular meds to keep me breathing moderately well, and even then, after some time outdoors, I was breathing badly, sometimes almost gasping for breath, which eased as I was inside again, in my apartment, where the airconditioners are still going and no one ever dares, lest I materalize and make a huge fuss, a truly terrible sight, frightening experience, to leave the doors open or crack a window in my part of the house.  


    I've a lifetime tech support warranty on this Dell, so have been on the telephone to Chandigarh, capitol of Indian Punjab and home of the most recently opened Dell tech support center in India.  Yesterday afternoon was the only time in four years I've been pissed at Dell, hitting the Wrong Tech Persons, those who don't listen, etc, but finally got hold of a fellow, Govind, after the Gita Govinda, the story of Lord Krishna, who walked me through the reformat, itself not difficult.  The difficulty was that the computer fellow in the morning had reattached all the ribbon cables, or rather two out of three, to all the wrong places.  I was freaked, Govind, with infinate patience, calmed me and took me through the old "this cable goes here and that there, and this one into the hard drive" routine (the hard drive was hooked up as a slave to the cd player..... truly.....) as i stuck my hands into tiny places and odd angles and was thankful for my experience as a musician and jeweler as I struggled to make things fit.  At last they did.   


    After all was done, I thanked Govind for his patience and calm and way of being around distraught sick computer owners.  "No mam," he replied, "I have to t hank you, for you showed me that someone of your age (I had joked about the granny brigade) is willing and able to do this, get in the tower and try and try again and then again until it's right.  Thank you, mam, thank you.  We did this together, that's the important thing."


    And so I leave you to try to find the drivers for a piece of hardware (am drawing a blank on where I put the installation CD on the way back from the computer shop) and to see if Canon tech support is open today and then rush to the post office and return, gasping for breath, like yesterday, my rescue inhaler securely tucked into my bra the whole time I'm out, just in case....


     


    pearlbamboo


    copyright  e.p.hodges  2005  


     

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                                The Dell Is Now Really Dead


     


    Reformat successfully completed.  Then the damn thing just turned itself off, lost power, died.


    A delightful tech in Chandigarh, capitol of Indian Punjab, and I swent rather methodically through all the possibilities, leaving, most likely, either the on/off switch itself or the power supply.  Sigh.  The tech was patient, terrific, knowledgeable, and kept his cool and sense of humor even as I was decompensating by the second.  Sigh.  And I managed to speak to his supervisor and say exactly that, and more, all true, and sang the same song for the fellow I had worked with the day before, who wound up reading this blog while we were waiting for various reboots.  I really liked that, me chattering away in Urdu, him in English as all the techs working for Dell are under near-death threats for speaking anything but English.  


    Well, so, hummm, I will see you when I can spare a moment to go to the neighborhood internet cafe. 


     


    love ya


    pearlbamboo

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    I have a Dead Dell  - whatever it is that runs the built in modem is totally fried - will spend a cozy evening reformatting.  Such a joy, one grows from challenges, no?


     


     

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                              Thrift Store Score!


    With almost enough merch to sell for the next three weeks without acquiring more, I ambled yesterday over to my closest Salvation Army, from which I've run my business for the past five years, that and two other stores, as I've no car and so garage and estate sales are generally too difficult to get to, even more difficult to return from laden with merch.  I didn't expect to find much.  At that store, I'm usually fortunate if I come away with two or three good things. 


    Spent some time by the dress rack talking to a fellow who went through the rack starting at the other end, as methodically as I was from mine.  I look at each label, not at the garment, until I see whether or not it is a label I know will sell - Liz Claiborne, for instance, unless in a size 18 or above and very very unusual, for instance, is a lost cause.   So is Talbots - I leave behind 10 fine Talbots garments, at a minimum, each time I go picking (for this is the formal term for what I do when hunting for merch...)  Ditto Halston, unless it's an early one, some Bill Blass, all Oleg Cassini unless early, ditto Dior, and so it goes, and these are abandoned to be eventually banded by the ton and shipped overseas or sent to ragmakers who pulp them and recycle into cleaning rags.  Sometimes, I get something just to save it from that fate, even though I know it won't sell.... 


    The fellow turned out to be a cross dresser shopping for himself, other cross dressers and his wife.  He pointed out that one of the dresses I really really liked was Bill Blass.  I'd missed that, and it was a size 14, so into my little cart it went.  He appears to be a fellow ebay seller, so we had some choice pungent discussions about that. 


    Expecting to find a few things, I found myself with thirty five pieces at the checkout counter.  Mercifully, at that store if the right person is there, I get an "Urdu-speaker's discount" and so left the store burdened but with some money left in my pocket.  


    J. Jill.  Englehart/FLAX.  Angelheart, Englehart's new line, still all made from linen in Lithuania.   A Tibetan men's formal robe.  A blouse of fine, fine hand batiked silk, a 60's evening dress, beaded in Hong Kong, where the artisans were as good as any to be found in any couture atalier in Europe, with so many pearls that it must weigh ten pounds, a Sacred Threads patchwork embroidered jacket, lots of Eileen Fisher, Chico's Designs, only silk or linen and in interesting colors (their beige stuff leaves me cold), a gorgeous Icelandic hoodie sweater by Hilda, who's now out of business for 20 years.  There was a Swedish sweater (all Scandanavian and Irish sweaters sell well), a Norwegian one and three Irish fisherman's sweaters made in Ireland - if they aren't, I don't pick them up.  Three Laura Ashley sweaters.  August Max Woman, now dear departed, as they've been out of business for more than a year, a nifty Surya jacket, Elisabeth and Liz Claiborne plus sized shirts, Tomatsu also, in linen.  


    The total prizes were a Micheal Simon embroidered, they always are, Xmas sweater and  a hand set intarsia (that's when the threads on the back of a knitted pattern sweater don't carry over from one area to the next, but the back is as clear and clean as the front) cashmere sweater from Scotland.  Any one of those three characteristics is good; finding all three together is rare indeed, as are the sweaters. 


    Topping those two off, for me, as they are about design history rather than commerce, were two pieces from the old Saks Fifth Avenue Young Dimensions shop.  That was a really progressive thing, that shop, catering almost immediately as fashion shifted into that mode, to the hip hippie princess crowd who could afford to buy their hippie clothes at Saks.  It was, for instance, the first major store to pick up Gunne Sax, until then a small but nifty line of peasant, prarie and granny dresses from San Francisco. 


    The most striking is a dress made of loosely woven lace, overlaid with bands of ribbon with woven in flowers - gorgeous, so totally of its time that it took my breath way.  Pictures will follow in a few days when there is enough sun to get decent ones.  The other Saks piece is a kurta-styled vertical stripe in matress ticking colors, though the stripes are wide, with multicolor embroidery on the collar and around the opening to the neck.  You will find clones of this style all over the place now, for the boho trend of this past year drew on this exact style well. 


    It's actually a real thrill, makes my heart beat faster (even as I wear a respirator in the store and have crud in my lungs today), to find something like these.  They did not grow on trees in their heyday, nor do they turn up often at thrifts today. 


    And so now I must go and see how much I can photograph in today's icky light.  At some point some pics of the least mundane will appear. 


    Here's the Hilda Icelandic Hoodie!  So not my personal style, but beautiful in its own way and I'm not acquiring things for myself, so don't have to limit to what I would wear and  so have these lovely things pass through my life and feed me and then move on to new homes.


            


    Love ya,


    pearlbamboo


    copyright  e.p.hodges 2005

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                               One Can Of White Paint  TADA! 

    Yes, the walls are really pure white - electric light bulbs always leave a yellow glare in a digital photo that no amount of photoshop will remove - not much natural light in here, certainly none today.  It's really not yellow at all.... and my hand appears to have been shakey, never mind, you can get an idea, yes....

    Redone, except for where the actual shower is and the little chest next to it, as the curtain rod still carries some inventory and there's still a tent in the shower itself, used, in the past, for art shows (there is no storage locker in this building....).  The knobs I'm going to paint for the chest have arrived, the time to do this hasn't yet.  So,  it's not an interesting aspect of the room anyway, lol.  

    Open the door and you see - my granddaugher in a hand carved wooden frame, my fav Freda Kahlo painting, a gift, my earrings....

                 

    Looking out into the lightwell in the middle of the building, covered with a skylight, lovely 1930's detail, the curtain a thrift store save, late 50's barkcloth and a chinese papercut dragon, acquired in Bangkok or Toronto, I truly don't remember, mounted on red raw silk..

                   

    Facing away from the above view and turning to the right, you see.....

    The two women were residents of two villages I did survey research in, 1977.  The one on top was sitting exactly that way when I entered her home.  She looked at me, grinned, and said, "I am a queen upon my throne...."  Yes.  The glass is persian, hand hammered and cut into floral arabesques, gold and silver colored....  The red mobile hanging down that you can't see completely is red and gold and green and gold birds, with little bells, another thrift store save...  The long lucite pieces, one with red roses, the other with yellow, are lipstick holders, one with two little rods, one on each end, to hold one's rings while washing hands (in a drawer waiting for me to get the exactly right glue to replace them). 

             

    The other two walls are the shower and the little chest, not yet worthy of photographs. 

    My earring  holder - just a picture frame from a thrift with dowels I cut and glued in and then painted, made some little roses from plastic clay, the name of which escapes me totally, all my own designs on this rack....

                       

    and my excellent Mexican birds.... 50's, hand carved frames on the pair of them, made from feathers and painting....

        

    and another bird, painted with a totally different and just as successful hand and style, just different,

                               

    and last of all, my beloved reverse carved lucite, also a product of the 50's, some of the reds from my collection.  I really had in mind designing a space for them all their own for some time, the lucite and the birds.  There is no red anywhere else in the apartment; they needed their own place, even if it's just a little one.  There is a wall next to the shower yet to be filled....

    These are really, really cruddy pictures and truly fail to do them justice, but then they deserve a blog in their own right and then you will see truly how nifty they are.

    You can't see it well in this pic, but the little thing in the second pic with the strange shaped cloudy lucite thingie sticking up is actually a riff on the famous Tiffany jack in the pulpit vase, done up in infinately cheaper and more everyday practical, non? plastic....

     

                          

                              

    hugs to you all,

    pearlbamboo. 

    images and text copyrighted  e.p. hodges

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                       Lily's Adventures in the Big City VI 

                  It's About That Book You Really Must Write, 
                                  That And A Taxi Driver. 

    Off to the pharmacy to pick up meds, tired, waiting for a bus that never came, I hailed a taxi to go home.  The driver, in his mid-40's with excellent English, turned and looked at me with the usual amazement when I spoke in Urdu to tell him where I wanted to go.  Intrigued, he asked the usual questions, where did I learn, was I married to a Pakistani (that one always gets a strong rebuke, the nerve thinking that I have to be attached to a man to want to learn something...he took it well), and, finally, why did I learn that language, the one only a handful of Americans speak well. 


    So I told him stories, about the Pakistani politicians I knew and loved, about how the former ambassador to the US thought me to be a challenge to her status as THE one and only  intelligent, knowledgable and attractive woman in Lahore and snubbed me regularly, for years, how I winkled the papers of the Unionist Party out of thirty years in hiding and had the only copies in the world until the owner of the papers gave the microfilms to the University of Chicago library. 


    Taking this all in, the taxi still at the curb by the pharmacy, laughing, shifting back and forth from English to Urdu mirroring my shifts, as sometimes the Urdu words I needed were lost in the edges of the Altzheimer's forest, he finally asked me about  my research.  I told him about the British imperial need for social and political control among nomadic tribes in an area that is now so long under canal irrigation that people don't know about the nomads or that many contemporary political families with a landed base were once tribal leaders of nomadic tribes, about how the British coopted the leaders of these tribes, giving them at almost no cost as much as 10,000 acres to farm, with the condition that all the land be irrigated by canals dug from banks of one of Punjab's five rivers.  


    Then I told  him the names of the tribes - Tiwana, Noon, Daultana, the Syeds of Jehanian Shah, of Qatalpur, of Shah Jiwana, the Khakwanis, and so it went, - and each of these tribal names can now be found attached to younger people, in their thirties or forties, still landed, still holding power in rural areas, still running for elections just like their grandfathers or great grandfather's did in 1921, when the first elections were held in Punjab province.  (You can even find the current generation, and often, their fathers, using google and the tribal name alone.)


    I followed that up by telling him about the four to five generation deep geneologies I had done of these landed political elite families - finding that the preferred marriage was to the father's brother's daughter, although any first cousin would do in a pinch, and some would marry double first cousins (this is true for all of Pakistan and for many Muslim countries - and no, it doesn't cause the birth of lots of freaks, though the birthrate for such a closely related couple is lower than the norm as is fertility).  


    I was able to trace through time the use of politically strategic marriages to non-first cousins beginning at the turn of the century, when all the marriages outside the lineage were into families who lived very close by, giving a daugher to the local religious leader, for instance, insuring that his disciples would follow the leadership of the tribal leader because the religious leader would tell his disciples to do so.  By the early 50's, the physical distance between the two families had expanded far enough to reach from Punjab into elite families in East Pakistan, now Banagladesh, where certain Punjabi families sought to ensure their power across this divide as well as by out of lineage marriages to religious leaders or to a smaller tribe which they needed as allies in their home electoral districts. .


    By the time I linked the work I had done on the development of a rural political elite from the nomadic tribes, now long settled, and how the elite consolidated and perpetuated itself through strategic out-marriages from the birth lineage, my taxi driver was almost ecstatic.   "I never knew all this, never," he said, " and I lived there until I was in my late twenties.  I've got friends all over this area who want to know what you have put together, no one has done that, no one has written about it.  Ever!" (he's right about that...)


    A thoughtful man, well educated, with a master's in engineering, he then told me that I should write and publish my book so that it was available in the US, not with Oxford Karachi as I'd planned.  I asked  him why, not thinking about money, scholars don't usually do that.   "The diaspora,"  he replied. "There are Pakistanis and people of Pakistani descent in the UK, Australia, Canada, some european countries and the US.  I could make a few phone calls this evening and have a hundred people ready to hear you lecture and buy your book for $30.00 (here he stopped to show me the book he'd bought the day before for $28.00 at the local Urdu/English bookstore) tomorrow afternoon, and pay to attend the lecture.  We are greedy to know what you know.  No one in Pakistan could do that research and publish it.  You've done it, it's amazing and I myself want to read every word you've written and you have a huge audience for it, just waiting."


    We had been an hour and a half talking.  He started the taxi and drove me the eight blocks home, refusing to take money, telling me I could pay him after the first book sold.  I have his cell phone number and have promised to let  him read the drafts as I go, for I am not writing for a severe scholarly audience, I no longer respect those who work in my litle special field.  I'm writing for people like this driver and if  he can understand what I've written I've done my job and paid back all the Pakistanis who spent hours and hours and hours and sometimes days helping me find what I needed to find, helping me make connections, feeding me and my young son, sending me off with their drivers' on explorations or to meetings, kindness upon kindness. 


    I've had a lot of trouble around finishing this work.  It was what I loved most of all.  It was what was taken away from me forever by the breakdown; I'll never be able to go back, not as a scholar with research to do.  I've been out of the field too long, there is no funding.  It's been hard even to take out and look at the materials I still have to work from to finish. 


    And so a stranger, driving a taxi, taking me home, tells me what I most need to hear in the world about this.  I am humbled, in tears as I write this story, and have promised myself that I will heed what he said, because he is right and speaks the truth that pulls me out of myself and the pain that surrounds this sore subject, and shows me what I must do.  


    Doors.  Doors open, if one can remain open to the knowledge that there are doors in places where we do not see them.


     


    pearlbamboo


    copyright e.p. hodges  2005

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    I'm without a full night's sleep, have misplaced my digital camera and am frantic, though I still haven't torn the apartment completely apart, having other tasks even more important to finish first.


    For those of you who've been around for a while and wondered, the lump on the thyroid is really five lumps, non-cancerous, but possibly requiring surgical removal, the biggest one anyway, as it is close to pressing my trachea out of midline.  Now, I have to deal with the growths on both my lower eyelids, both already having had skin cancers removed, one, on which the larger of the new lumps resides, having grown so large underneath the skin while one doctor after another for three  years refused to do anything, that I had to have reconstructive surgery after it's removal.  Not a lot of lower eyelid there to play with now.  Oh, Whoopee.


    love ya,


    pearlbamboo


    THE CAMERA HAS BEEN LOCATED, underneath two Betsey Johnson dresses and on top of a Gunne Sax, not a bad place to be, I suppose, but not the usual two places.  Whew!!!!!