June 2, 2006

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                                    HELP is Today's Subject


    Rose calls tonight    - "I told him [her "fiance"] that I thought we might be drifting apart, but really it's just that things are so complicated.  It used to be that things were really free and easy between us, now it's complicated." 


    They are beginning to negotiate such things as how much time he spends with the boys and how much with her and why time with her is necessary.   (He lived in a males only setting for 3 years.)


    How do I help her and by extension, her friend, neither of whom experienced love at home, understand this?


      


    thank you,


    pearlbamboo


     


    copyright  e.p. hodges

Comments (5)

  • Wow, I am really out of the loop.  Haven't seen much of you lately so I'm no help here.

  • Things are easy when two people are new to each other. Every day is exciting, every meeting brings some new surprises -- and most of them are pleasant, because that's what we get when we flirt. Things are wonderful, and easy.

    This "drifting apart" has nothing to do with falling out of love. At some point, you find out most of the "surface" things about a person, and a Relationship begins. The surprises trickle down, and the ones you get are usually not the pink and pretty variety. Some say it is a test of love to go through this phase; maybe, but mostly it's a test of your Patience, Adaptability and Understanding. It is a time when we are adjusting the other person into our life, and that's when it seems "complicated". Of course it's complicated! People are complicated! Two people taken together are even *more* so! This sort of "complication" can take from a month to 20 years, it's a part of love. You can't go back to the fun flirty season, no matter how many times you break up and get back together.

    The test of Love comes later, after the two people have adapted to each other, and all these silly problems of quality time and scheduling and chores are resolved and far behind. The other person becomes comfortable again, and easy... but comfortable like a chair is comfortable. The flirty stage is so far behind that it is almost out of sight... and *nobody* wants to relive the previous discomfort hell again. This newfound boring comfort needs to be stirred by love -- love that finds new and wonderful surprises again and again in somebody who still remains so comfortably old. That stage can last a lifetime, and that is the true blessing of being two.

  • I feel it is a portent of things to come in her relationship and that she is lucky they are still in the "fiance" stage. I would probably tell her to get in touch with her gut feeling and go for it.

  • You help her by listening. She has to learn for herself.

  • They both have to decide what they want out of the relationship and what they are willing to sacrifice to gain it. Anything worth having will not be easy... etc, etc... lots of maxims and platitudes come to mind.

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