September 21, 2008
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Where Am I Going And Can I Ever Get There.....
I'm in the middle or the middle of the beginning of a meltdown, sorrows blowing through empty places in my head like late fall winds rattling dry leaves, other bits of dessication, remains of dreams. Trying to hold my edges strong against the winds doesn't work, they ruffle, unravel, frey, refuse to hold, then catch on dry branches, run out when I try to move to a different place like strings of a kite determined not to stay tethered to love. My self's perimeter is frail. One thread caught on the bark of a tree may pull me loose and I will spill, amorphous, uncontained and burning, becoming a puddle, all shape, all coherence, all self, all love now nothing, raw pain shimmering over the fluid soaked into the sand, smoke and the smell of burning held in the shimmer before it I me blows away.
pearlbamboo
I've started meds, so I have a little over two weeks left to feel like this before they kick in fully - a very long two weeks.
copyright 2008
Comments (4)
You describe your pain, grief and mortality so exquisitely that I FEEL your being keenly thru this strange cyberspace where all too often human beings speak at and around one another in safe anonymity.
the connections that are possible here, your voice, and those who speak from the fiber of their soul is what gives us all grace and transcendence - and greater understanding of how we are all one.
i hope you feel much better soon, though from what you speak of here i realize much is part of the lifecycle which cannot be avoided. in youth we are blessed for the most part with not knowing this searing process of being stripped bare of all the glories life pours out when we are in our prime and those we love as well are thriving.
had we known perhaps some of us would have held back a bit more or dared far less to reach and explore the heavens...
doris
Lily, I am sorry to hear of your pain. I send you healing thoughts and wishes to get you through the next couple of weeks. I also think your expression of feeling is exquisite. You have many talent, my friend.
I've been on various meds since 1994, and I can certainly relate to your emotions. Good vibes your way....
Hang in there!
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